“The world has run out of tits”

A:I love that episode of Seinfeld when Jerry can’t do the threesome.
“I’m not an orgy guy???

B:I was once asked would I be interested in attending a rubber ball. Briefly, I considered the turn my life could take. Like those films where people “enter a labyrinth of desire and obsession which would change him forever”

A: You can never go back. The universe will not allow you to never have gone to the rubber party.

B:I shook my head, and said I was too fat for that kind of clingy fabric

A:Smart move – it was probably filmed.

B:Have you seen Eyes Wide Shut? I must have said the words “this is fucking stupid” a dozen times in the hour of it I managed to watch

A:Jesus H. How bad was that film? I suspect the real purpose of orgies is to bind you to your peer group in bonds of mutual shame and compromise.
“So I hear you are thinking about ratting out the corporation. Anyway, I’m just back from the 1 hour photo”

B:”Nice assless leather chaps. Now, you were saying?”

A:”Oh dear, someone’s just had an accident on your rubber suit”
“Ninth Gate??? had more hilarious orgy people. That was a tremendously disappointing film. I was really enjoying it until the ludicrous end.

B:I recall “Bitter Moon??? being another fucking pointless examination of desire and dangerous obsession, yada, yada…

A:Didn’t see that

B:Polanski, early 90’s. Remember seeing it on TV one night and recalling with amazement that it was taken quite seriously when released

A:Ninth gate is Johnny Depp flick where he is a seedy book detective, right?
Yeah – it comes a cropper in the final reel. Last shot of Depp’s face is hilarious. Devil woman is writhing around on top of him – he looks hopelessly confused. And mildly worried. Even though it’s the fucking DEVIL!

B:Oh, Ninth Gate is also Polanski. I was talking about Bitter Moon. Which had an equally miscast Hugh Grant

A:Ah. Well, the description was apt of both.
Anything with Shazza Stone obviously pushes the boundaries of bourgeois propriety.

B:The Shaz Stone flick is perfectly acceptable. It knows it’s catering to the audience’s need for sex and murder. It’s the “compelling examination” that annoys the shit out of me.

A:I often wonder what happened to the sex and murder mainstream movie? Body Heat for example.

B:Its all about finding big name actresses willing to go nude. These days they’ll only do it for what’s perceived as an Art film. Needless to say, the old fashioned stabbing-and-fucking flick is not today considered Art

A:It’s funny – when I were a lad, every film had tits in it. Sometimes they had to be crowbarred in. Vital informants could only be met in strip bars for example.

B:Any building with a shower block would be utilised to the full. My fave was the beach party scene in a police academy movie. Shot for no other reason than to show boobs to grateful early teen boys.

A:I can see the mogul now – chomping his cigar – “Have we got enough tits in there for these kids? These kids deserve to see some tits goddamn!???
There’s probably a market for a stabbing and fucking flick comeback.

B:I read Double Indemnity last week. You could do a dirty version of that

A:That might compromise the rather excellent classic version of DI though. People might not be able to look at it the same way.

B:The kids don’t need Hollywood to show ‘em tits anymore. This also the reason for the decline of clothes catalogues.

A:Famous tits on the big screen, in context (i.e. only viewable in return for investment of time and frustration) would still be a hit. The only tits anyone wants to see are the ones they’ve only imagined. (obviously that is a slight exaggeration)

B:Internet poses a problem. People who just want to see Actress X’s tits will watch them online, where they can, er, take their time over them.

A:But that’s boring. They will want to see them flash past 12 feet tall. You can’t do that on the internets. Only one way to win this argument. I will write and produce an 80s style erotic thriller starring….er…

B:Here’s the problem. I’ve been wondering whose tits the world wants most to see.

A:Disaster – the world has run out of tits.

B:There was a time when there were those who wished Britney Spears would drop the demure act and get ’em out. That seems a very long time ago now.
World’s biggest female star is Paris Hilton, for fuck’s sake. Where do we go from there?

A:Searching youtube for body heat etc. This hilariously unlikely scene was offered – (have always loved Ms Bisset). Can’t help but think the writer/director and target audience are embodied in the kid.

B:Listed in Youtube under category “Education”

A:A sentimental education. The only thing people are learning there that is that there is a Santa Claus. And I’m pretty sure that’s wrong.

B:One of us has surely wrung enough material for a blog post on movie sex out of these Jaikus.

A:Only one? What about the Movie Sex Archive?

B:I think that would put us into a very different kind of blogging. Though there was once a book that told you how much nudity there was, and where to find it, in thousands of Hollywood films. Must be online somewhere. “20 mins, 32 secs, side of breast, no nipple”, that kind of thing.

A:Mr. Skin fulfils that role now. A mate of mine often talks of that book and some vile entries. “Jodie Foster – Nipple 15 mins 40 seconds during rape”

B:Oh Jesus.

A:I think they had it in the library where he did his MA in film, or he knew someone with a copy of it.

B:I remember reading a review (!) of it in a movie mag.

A:Jesus – it got reviewed?! How do you review something like that? “I found this book to be an accurate guide to nudity in film”.
“Having read this book I am quite sure I will never feel clean again”

B:Empire or somewhere. Basic review – they said what the book was, and gave it five stars.

A:”A must-have volume in any serious reference library”.

B:Indeed. Must have been invaluable to your mate’s MA studies

A:I’m off to bed. Hopefully, I won’t be plagued by steamy, restless dreams about Kathleen Turner

B:I am rarely not plagued by such dreams, but I’ll hope for the best

A:She comes at me with a carving knife glinting in the moonlight. All I can focus on are her tits. I hear a nerd intone “80 minutes, nipple”

*Edited for coherence and relevance.