America’s Next Top Model, 22nd Sept 08
September 22, 2008
General Simon McGarr 0
- 7:23 PM Simon McGarr – This is much more likely to have a happy ending than Friday’s pitiful attempt on the Late Late Show. Also, I’ve just bought the domain liveblog.ie so I hope that all these streams of mock-conscioussness will soon have a good home.
- 7:24 PM Simon McGarr – This is the start of Cycle 11, I’m told by my resident expert.
- 7:24 PM Simon McGarr – Transmission commences at 9 o’clock on Living TV here. Running right against the Irish version of the Apprentice with Bill ‘Penny Apples’.
- 7:30 PM Simon McGarr – Rumour has it that there will be a similar liveblogging clash as Suzy Byrne of Maman Poulet will be bringing you Mr. Apple’s every twitch.
- 7:44 PM Simon McGarr – Early to bed and early to rise means I don’t end up dead.
- 7:47 PM Simon McGarr – Irish Apprentice Liveblog . You’re spoiled for choice
- 7:56 PM Simon McGarr – Dinner being dished up. Somebody tell me how it starts!
- 8:08 PM Simon McGarr – And I’m back. I see we’ve decided to start by dressing everyone as a schoolgirl and parading them around a hall for no good reason. My Vice-Principal was clearly ahead of his time.
- 8:09 PM Simon McGarr – Cheerleaders now- each a former ANTM loony.
- 8:10 PM Simon McGarr – They’re sending the show to NY. Like everywhere ANTM goes, it is one of the world’s fashion capitals.
- 8:12 PM Simon McGarr – Tyra has now burst onto the scene, literally. She has had edited together snippets of the loons saying how perfect, energising, exciting she is with crowd shots of the school-loons screaming as though she was the Beatles. How can anyone walk amongst us with this kind of self regard?
- 8:16 PM Simon McGarr – Ad for Burger King Meat Burger. There is a bus ad in front of me going into work with one of these unappetising concoctions in front of my habitual seat. It has not won me over by exposing me to a salami burger at 7am.
- 8:17 PM Simon McGarr – And we’re back. It’s a panel judging style section.
- 8:18 PM Simon McGarr – You’re nobody if you don’t have a good one line hook. Hick town dweller, Hawaii surfer, Mohammed Ali’s neice.
- 8:19 PM Simon McGarr – I’m waiting for the terrible Tales of Woe and Tragic Backstories.
- 8:20 PM Simon McGarr – The Plus Size Girl. Who is actually real size. Immediately followed by a painfully thin white Rap Girl.
- 8:21 PM Simon McGarr – Hooray! First Tale of Woe. Abusive relationship. A low bar.
- 8:21 PM Simon McGarr – Boyfriend in Iraq. Always a favourite.
- 8:22 PM Simon McGarr – Nobody is coming close to our previous Tales of Woe. 9/11 victim? Plane Crash whose mother died on top of her? Now THAT’s a Tale of Woe.
- 8:23 PM Simon McGarr – Deskbound Pole. I think she’s being loved by the Editors.
- 8:24 PM Simon McGarr – Ah, this year’s Angry Black Girl has popped up.
- 8:26 PM Simon McGarr – An aside. ANTM has access to a greater range of unprecedented first names than any other programme. It is one of its charms.
- 8:27 PM Simon McGarr – Jay I and Ms Jay now receiving a lapdance. Wasted opportunities.
- 8:28 PM Simon McGarr – I should point out, for those passing by, that this is probably the first time that America’s Next Top Model has been liveblogged by a hetrosexual man.
- 8:29 PM Simon McGarr – Woah. We now have the Tale of Woe Gold Medal Winner. A Somalian female circumcision victim.
- 8:30 PM Simon McGarr – Ads again. As it is Living TV, this will take some considerable time. Much of it advertising Living TV.
- 8:31 PM Simon McGarr – Xtravision selling me a pink phone and copies of Sex and the City DVDs.
- 8:32 PM Simon McGarr – Bisto selling me Gravy.
- 8:32 PM Simon McGarr – Super-Valu selling me baby products and Pork Chops.
- 8:33 PM Simon McGarr – Eflow flailing about trying to sell me a tag for M50. Failing.
- 8:35 PM Simon McGarr – Terrible McDonald’s ad where a Dad is rejected by his daughter for 15 years. In revenge he feeds her nothing but McDonalds. We don’t see the bit where she dies of liver failure.
- 8:37 PM Simon McGarr – And we’re back. The loons are now arguing about whether it is suitable to fight over how to deal sensitively with someone who has been genitally mutilated. While she’s standing there.
- 8:39 PM Simon McGarr – Someone wants to be a global warrior. She’s drinking her breast milk until she gets back to her daughter. This makes the panel thirsty.
- 8:40 PM Simon McGarr – People have been cut. Winners are thanking Jesus and Tyra.
- 8:43 PM Simon McGarr – We’re enjoying our first change of costume. One model is enthusing about the food they’ve been fed. Look out! It’s a trap!
- 8:44 PM Simon McGarr – At this stage, I’m not trying to store any of the loons names. That’s more than I can manage.
- 8:45 PM Simon McGarr – Judging is now done with Tyra sitting opposite the others, as though she’s interviewing them.
- 8:47 PM Simon McGarr – Time for another aside. Mr. Jay is wearing a golden tank top. Ms. Jay is sitting beside him, not hitting him. This, by itself, shows his mental superiority.
- 8:48 PM Simon McGarr – More ads. I weary of the ads on Living. I am not the target market.
- 8:49 PM Simon McGarr – Although those Always Ultra New Blue lines seem almost scientific.
- 8:50 PM Simon McGarr – Cancle that. There’s an ad where people dressed in star costumes rush around Dublin. That’s what I pay my licence fee to see.
- 8:54 PM Simon McGarr – And we’re back. Tyra looking well. But I’m shocked, still, to be told that isn’t her real hair. Apparently, she habitually is wearing fake hair. And everyone but me has known it all along. It is called a weave. Where your real hair is flattened to your head and then other hair is sewn to it. I thought I was immune to shock at TV duplicity, but this one caught me by surprise.
- 8:55 PM Simon McGarr – If you’re looking to find out who got through, by the way, check Google. I’m not that kind of liveblogger.
- 8:57 PM Simon McGarr – Pep talk from Tyra to acoustic guitar to the losers. Then mood swing to electric rock riffs for the winners.
- 8:58 PM Simon McGarr – And we’re done. Next week. We arrive in NY. Experience a great deal of purple linen.
